Three Pictures

Yang Guo from China still has strong, fond memories of beautiful York, UK, after finishing her year-long MA degree and having moved on to study in the US

It's 2 o'clock in the morning, a little bit sleepy, a little bit restless, feeling more frustration; I am still working on my paper, which will be due 4 pm tomorrow. After I arrived in America I can't remember how many times like this it had been, that in the dead of night, I am still struggling with my paper. It is so quiet around that it seems I did clearly hear the cries of my hair when it carelessly fell on the keyboard of my laptop just now. Maybe it was just my acousma? Yes, I am too tired. I need to release my nerves and free my brain for a while.

I turn on the music player. Shortly, my little cold room is filled with a soft but firm girl-voice in this chilly winter night:

"Every time, I learned to be brave in loneliness and hesitation;

Every time, I tried not to drop tears even though I felt hurt.

I know it all along, that I have a pair of invisible wings, lifting me up, flying me out of the desperation…"

This song, with which I used to be so familiar, seems to have been ignored and left in the deepest corner for decades, although it's just been six months. Yes, six months, I've already been here for six months. It's always so true that time will never slow down its steps when you are happy; neither will it speed up when you feel depressed. So, where are my wings? Do I also have invisible wings? Will there be some day that I could really finish all these tough readings and writings?

Still, not able to continue with my writing, no, not even a single word. Becoming more and more whiny, I pick up a book casually. But just at that moment, three pictures slipped out of the book silently. On the first sight of them, the most sensitive chord trembled slightly in my heart. I know it. I think I definitely heard it.

The door of memories opens, just like the dam has been removed, my memories of life in York are pouring out now. I intend to shut them back in this tranquil night, but I tried in vain.

In the first picture, the lovely design of the small blue flowers on the quilt and the red carpet on the floor bring my mind back to the Limes Court – YSJ College Accommodation, the first place that I stayed on the first night when I just arrived at York. It was the Chinese Mid-Autumn Festival. I could quite clearly remember the moon of that night, which was enormous and round, bright and close; but why, it seems even now, I could still sense the coldness and loneliness from the moon in the picture? Yes, it was the first time that I left my home, my country so far away, for so long. After I settled everything down, looking at the moon, thinking of my families in China, not knowing what would be happening in the future days while I am in the U.K., I sat on the edge of my bed, playing with my camera, with a strong sense of loss occupying my heart. I was not sure whether the MA's studies would be too much for me or not; I was there alone, no friends around. To whom should I talk when I felt upset? I was not good at cooking; would I survive? With so many questions hovering in my mind, just like annoying bees buzzing around my ears, how and when did I fall asleep that night? I cannot remember now.

Sitting on the brown leather-covered chair in my room, the chair, which is of the same color and the same materials, but is not as comfortable as the big couch in the second picture, I miss my families in York so much. It was a huge and soft couch, located in the spacious sitting room, on which four little "angels" and me were sitting. With all of our hands up, shiny smiles on our faces, we were celebrating the Christmas Eve, which was two months after I moved into my host family's house -- my home in York. Living in this strange land, I was so lucky that I received the warmth of a real, caring family, from whom I learned to handle so much housework efficiently; from whom I learned to care for others while I was feeling love. Most importantly of all, from whom I learned that a patient communication and two understanding hearts could really traverse the boundaries of countries and surpass the barriers of cultures.

"Finally, I see the blossom of all my dreams; finally, I'm flying high, looking forward, with nothing else to fear…" The song in the player is coming to an end. Holding the last picture, I am deep in the memory of last November, when I went back to York to attend my graduation ceremony. Although the wind that day was horribly strong and chilly, so that we could barely keep our hats on our heads, standing in front of the famous York Minster Cathedral, all of us look so happy in the picture. After a whole year's hard work, we'd finally become the ones who kept the sweetest smiles for the last moment. I believe at that moment, I had completely forgotten all my sadness of being homesick on the traditional Chinese Spring Festival, and had totally thrown away all of that bitterness while finding no clue in how to carry on with my dissertation during those countless sleepless nights in York. Yes, it is just life: what we are struggling so hard for right now, will finally turn out to be a past.

I may still have tasted the bitter tears through the past year, each time when I found it so impossible for me to finish the paper before the deadline; when I was rejected in part-time job interviews; and when I was misunderstood by others around me. I could still sense the joy in York when I took the challenges, passed the interview, and became a student ambassador working for our college; when I was working as a volunteer teaching Chinese kids in York Mandarin; and, when I got As for the paper that I finished before the due time.

The song has finished, and my little cozy room comes back to quietness in the deep of night. However, the last sentence is still echoing in my head: "invisible wings raise all my dreams and accompany me wherever I wish to go…" Yes, I do have my own invisible wings, which have carried me here in the U.S., which will always accompany me.

Yang Guo is a Doctoral student in English Education, Department of Learning, Teaching and Curriculum, University of Missouri – Columbia, USA